The SDT 25th Anniversary Gala Performance was undisputedly good. Grand opening and finale, with many distinguished alumni and guests attending it. I was really impressed with Zin!, followed by world primere Opus 25, Beginnings and the 2 PDD.
Zin! by Nils Christe was extremely captivating. It is an upbeat and lively piece of dancers in football (american) outfits that bubbled with humour. Both quirky and playful, Zin! explores the use of canon and repetition, and the effect was outstanding. The audience was easily attracted to the funny dance, and it surely left a lasting impression in me, giving me inspirations and ideas in possible future choreography.
However, I cried in the opening piece, which wasn't extremely great. I just drifted off and thought about what could have been, and cried.
I cried twice this month.
The first time was after my FYP presentation. It was pathetic.
I had a long chat with my FYP prof DHLee after the presentation and in the midst of the conversation, I cried. The duration of the conversation was almost 3 times as long as my presentation. I cried because finally there was someone who cared, whom I could confide in, and who was willing to listen to my problems and concerns. He even shared with me his boyhood dream of being a national tennis player (and a sportshop owner after he got injured, which practically ended his tennis dream), his fortuitous and unexpected entry into transportation engineering course in his Taiwanese university despite his intention to study Chinese, how he got lost from his family when he was 4 years old and miraculously walked all 5km from town back to his own house in the rural areas, and discussed my future while giving me encouragement in treading the unknown path ahead in life.
The second time was during the 1st show of the SDT Gala Performance. I got my close friend ML (who got attached to SB some time ago) to watch with me, but I knew that it could have been YL.
That was when I cried.
She had made me believe that people who had real passion and would do whatever they could to pursue their interests (dance) exist in this world.
But she had really disappointed me and made me weep.
Time and time again.
First, when she initiated contact with me and having many dates in the first 2 months when I got to know her, only to tell me she treated me as a friend when I reciprocated.
Second, when she led me to believe I still have a chance when I wanted to give up, and then suddenly got together with a guy when I was prepared to commit in a relationship (albeit her relationship with the guy lasting only 3 weeks).
Third, when she again gave me false hopes of us committing to each other in a relationship, spending my birthday and v-day with me, while I helped her in the application into Lasalle dance programme, only to drop a bombshell on me when she brought a guy to watch my school dance concert and then told me she was dating him and admitting she was faking her interest in me all along, pretending she liked and shared my interests.
I was really devastated when I found out about it.
It felt like a dagger piercing through my fragile heart.
And I thought that was it, we were just not really suited for each other, but at least there was this common interest that held us together -- dance. I really admired her for her passion and courage to pursue dance as a career.
And that was when she dropped me another bombshell last week.
That she's gonna put her dance studies on hold, to be a property agent.
Yes, one should be practical, especially living a life in Singapore. Who doesn't wanna have lotsa money, not just for basic survival, but also to satisfy personal recreation and desires, and my conversation/interview with her superior B also revealed how lucrative the profits are if one ventured into property management now.
However, it was really disappointing to find out another close friend succumbing to the glamour and promised riches of being a property agent, just to maintain her lifestyle. I couldn't help but classify her as a materialistic person...
...or maybe I
thought I knew her well, just
not that well enough.
She was still young (as her boss and I agreed that at her current age, it was a tough ask for her to be an agent since it won't be easy convincing a prospective buyer/seller that she has the knowledge or credentials to help them manage their properties, even though she could become really well versed in the art of buying/selling) and could afford to pursue her interests and to a certain extent, make mistakes in life...
...but she was also no longer the girl I knew.
She has become someone who is practical, willing to sacrifice her lifelong passion of dancing for a job that she needs. Is it really impossible to work at the same time to earn money for your dance, since you really have the passion for it? Is it better to forgo dancing so that you can earn lots and lots of money to satisfy your material needs? Is dancing only a plaything for the rich, and commoners like us who want to pursue dance will succumb to failure? Can't passion and work both exist together? Did she become 'grown-up' to put work before dance, or is she really being clouded by the material world?
I thought that she would have really enjoyed the whole show, if she was still that passionate in dancing, as SDT 25th Anniversary Gala Performance was really a great advert that inspire budding dancers and choreographers that being involved in dance is
indeed a viable choice in this tropical island. If I had asked her along to watch the show with me, it might have even strengthened her will in pursuing dance as a career instead of meddling with property. But I didn't ask her to watch with me when I managed to win the free tickets from facebook through a lucky draw in late April (on hindsight, I shouldn't have decided so quickly on who I should ask along to the concert, since I found out slightly later that she wasn't really together with JJ). I thought (and probably shouldn't have assumed) that she was happily together with her new beau (that seemed to happen pretty often since I've gotten to know her a year back) and it didn't seem appropriate for me to ask her along. I think I was inferior, weak and that was probably why she disliked me, or it could also be the fact that I am really blunt at times. I was really saddened by the fact that she always seemed to choose other guys over me (not saying that I had awesome qualities, I wasn't tall, dark, handsome, smart or rich, but at least I'm very proud of myself being a really loyal friend to many), and I told myself that if I continued to be distracted by her antics for attention, mood swings and apparent use of me only when others aren't available (in other words, I felt like she was taking me for granted and using me as a backup float), it'll only lead me into a vicious cycle (which I had experienced with HC before and took a long time to get over her). I felt like being with her doesn't seem to inspire me to be a better person, and I felt like a lesser person worse off than the
ME when I first knew her. It was definitely no fault of her, solely the fault of mine, because when I really loved someone, I started to indulge myself so much in the other person, trying to help her out, trying to spend as much time with her as I could, that I actually neglected so much of my own studies and self improvement. Seeing now that she had become more confident of herself, her goals and what she wanted in life after working at Hersing, I was really proud of her. At the same time, I also felt sad, as I realised we had grown further and further apart, and our ideals and common interests have diverged too. There were many things we promised to do together, but somehow we failed to do them (ranging from visiting the Titanic exhibition last year at the MBS ArtScience Museum which she went with M, the RWS Aquarium which she went with JJ instead, the S&G beginner classes, KW ballet51 classes and Synergy tech classes which both of us promised to go together but which she eventually failed to turn up for the majority of the sessions, and the O school classes which, in a twist of fate, I was asked to accompany HC to. It felt like she was a stranger once again. Someone I didn't really know. Someone who only asked me out when I have the money. Someone that didn't know how to appreciate my presence or the efforts I had made for her. Someone that preoccupied so much of my life for the past year that I had considered spending the rest of my life with, even though I had experienced so many heartbreaks because of her. Someone that I loved so much I would never blame her for any failings I had in studies or other aspects of life, or regret having spent that much time and money on her. Someone that taught me how to genuinely concern and love someone (though she might not have felt that way and probably deemed me as failing to provide her with love, care and concern at the right time). Someone that brightened up my life after my misunderstanding with my friends KW and JW, and gave me a purpose in my life for the past year. I cried when I thought it could have been her by my side.
For now, what I really need isn't love.
For now, I just need time to be alone.
Think things through.
Think of what I could do in the future (in fact, I might even be an agent in the future, however much I detested the nature of sales, coz this world is just unforgiving. Survival of the fittest).
Time heals all pain.
What I also need now is to be in the company of close friends whom open their hearts to me and whom I can really trust and confide in, and whom will provide me with support and encouragement, as well as being there for me when I'm in dire need of help while appreciating, and not judging, me for being
just who I am.
&its not what you think
1:42 am
