This hasn't happened to me for a very long time.
Maybe it's because I've been able to recall my recent dreams as this is usually the period when my dreams are very vivid.
Maybe it's because I've called you recently to try to catch up.
Maybe it's because I miss you.
I dreamt about you.
In this dream, I was supposed to go for my elective lecture.
But somehow jonathan goh and kayhow managed to convince me to skip it and joined them for their chem eng lecture.
We boarded this bus to SDE, and witnessed a quarrel between a passenger and a bus inspector.
The passenger was you.
The bus inspector was trying to get you off the bus for bringing something on board. (I wasn't sure if it was your project model or some plush doll)
You were pretty frustrated. You kept quiet and didn't retaliate until you couldn't stand it anymore. You shouted back and argued with him.
Sort of reminds me the first time I saw you quarreling with someone.
It was during our jc orientation. We were playing a war with water bags on the field. Some guy threw a water bomb into your chest. You gave him San Zi Jing (*三字经). I was quite astonished, but I guessed I might do it too if I were in your shoes.
That was the only occasion I saw you cursing. Since then I've never heard a swear word from you.
You've succeeded in changing for the better.
Back to the story of the dream..
The bus inspector decided to leave you alone, since you clearly won in the quarrel.
The 2 other random unrelated guys in my dream talked to you.
You didn't notice me at first.
Then I tapped your shoulder.
You looked in my direction and gave me a surprised "eh".
"I didn't see you".
This reminds me of the last time I saw and talked to you.
It was after my dance performance last semester. A few days after I invited you to watch me.
I was walking towards the SDE bus-stop, and you walked towards me from the opposite direction. You didn't notice me. And I almost didn't notice you coz I wasn't wearing specs. Somehow I did. Called out to you. You were wearing specs. You were in a daze.
"Eh..I didn't see you."
You looked visibly tired. We chatted at the foot of the flight of stairs leading to Techno Edge. Then I walked you to Kuok Foundation. (Interestingly, I saw Kayhow at the Com Center bus stop. Maybe the guys in my dream weren't really random guys..) You wanted to eat Subway and study at Students' Lounge initially, but decided not to in the end. I still had so much to talk to you then.
Back to the story in the dream again..
You held out your hand in a knuckle in a friendly gesture. I smiled and hit it back with mine.
Then you continued to talk to the others.
And suddenly I felt this strange feeling that I've never experienced for a long time.
It is a feeling only your very first lover/sweetheart (初恋情人) can give you. (Although strictly speaking, we weren't really together)
It's that tinge of..fear mixed with anticipation mixed with awe mixed with anxiety mixed with happiness mixed with relief.
It's the tinge of love.
And I suddenly felt embarrassed to talk to you.
So I was off the bus the next instant. (Was never shown how I alighted. It was a dream anyhow)
I needed time for myself. To think.
I walked towards my elective lecture in Biz.
I got more than what I bargained for. I woke up. Woke up still having that weird feeling. And woke up thinking.
Thinking to myself why I felt this way.
Thinking to myself that I probably won't be able to experience this feeling with any other girl.
Thinking to myself that I probably won't be able to feel this way towards you again.
And I recalled just 2 days ago.
How I thought I saw you at The Deck.
How I messaged you and asked if you were there.
How I found out that that girl wasn't you, but someone who looked like you from the back and side.
How I always do stupid things in your presence (or absence in this case).
How we gossiped about this girl in our PW group whom we didn't like. How I snubbed you for a week by preferring to talk to that girl than to you, after I had found out that you got very close to this guy in our junior class. How I beat this canoeing guy whom you were very close to in a marathon around the school at the finishing line, just to exert my superiority (or so I thought). How I used to fold paper tortoises for you. How I used to write cards (festive or not) in Chinese and post them to you. How I used to buy gifts for you for no particular reasons. How I used to hang out with you in the eastern and north-eastern part of Singapore (How did you ever agree to hang out with a weirdo like me??). How I asked you for advice and accompaniment on what gift to buy for a very close female friend of mine. How I used to anger you by telling you I was there when I wasn't. How I always got paranoid, doubting and suspecting you. How I confronted you on whether you were with another guy at the Oasis when I was actually tricked by my friends. How I was willing to take bus 156 with you to Seng Kang almost everyday after school, and then took a long time to reach home. How I didn't manage to study when we always came out to study in fast food restaurants, or in school at your favorite chillout Oasis (I guess I was studying you). How I always delivered your homework to your house when you were absent in school. How I asked you to tell me if you liked me or not, just before the A-level exams. How I still insisted to hang out with you on New Year's Eve at Dragonfly when you were celebrating the countdown with this very close guy friend of yours. How I bought you a $99 jewellery for your 19th birthday with my very first salary. How I was coerced by you to apply for this 1-year platinum membership card for California Fitness which cost almost $90 every month. How I naively thought that I still stood a good chance when you told me I ranked 2nd among the potential candidates that you consider (to be your boyfriend). How I used to call you to chat every night till the wee hours in the morning and give you advice on your problems and concerns while I was studying, working or in BMT. How I disappointed you clearly when you wanted me to be a commander but I only ended up as a man. How I tried to hug you when you were visibly shaken by some event prior to meeting me at AMK Kbox after my POP, asking me some very weird questions, leading to a premature end to our monthly singing session, and remaining silent throughout the trip as I sent you back home, and then admitting to me that I was "only a very good K-buddy". How I took you for granted for so long until you started to avoid my calls when uni started for you. How you invited me to your Science pageant so that I could witness your crowning as the queen. How I secretly wished you got your just desserts when you had your very next boyfriend in school. How I naively obliged to pick up your calls when your relationship was on the rocks, even though I was going through my rigorous Recce conversion course. How I agreed to be at your beck and call at times when you are feuding with your (ex)boyfriend and using me to spite him. How I wept for you when you received your just desserts. How I promised to myself I should step out of your life so that you could lead a life of your own. How I still keep many of your SMSes in my handphone, not bearing to delete them, and trying to masquerade this by storing SMSes of others in my handphone. How our paths crossed again in NUS, when you had advised me to study in NTU (which I might have willingly oblige if not for a friend who convinced me to switch to NUS engineering). How you invited me to the NUSSU pageant to allow me to witness your crowning of the queen..again. How I decided to repay your kindness by inviting you to watch my dance performance.
How did I manage to do so many things that appeared so stupid..especially because of you?
You called me from home but I was still in school, having lecture.
Called you back when I reached home. But couldn't even sustain the conversation for 5 minutes.
I guessed the feeling is really gone.
I can never feel the same way towards you again.
Except maybe..in my dreams.
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Epilogue
Had a swim at SRC in the morning. I was cleansed of this weird feeling.
&its not what you think
5:56 am
