CHC managed to get tix for me, even though i'm not a sci fac student. Maybe coz she knew i didn't even get to see her on stage last week. I got the tix from a familiar face, Alicia (ong), who was my j1 gp rep. She's still the same old her..blur lah. Keep tuggin my sleeve when she dunno wat to do. Juz give out the tix and go in and sit. At the same time, i finally met Junhao, the chem tutor that hc always told me abt in the past. He looked like the china guy in channel 8 9pm show, bao3 bei4 fu4 nv3 bing1. I saw weicheng (seah) again for the 2nd consecutive wk, wif this gal called natalie. Then we were seated wif the sheares hall ppl, all look pretty friendly. I mainly talked to alicia, junhao and weicheng, coz they are seated nearer to me. Although it's supposed to be a joyous occasion, i can't seem to feel any joy. In fact, after the 4th meal was served, i was suddenly devoid of appetite and was eithering staring into space thinking abt nothing or stoning, or i'd be sending sms votes to val after prompted by weicheng. When i saw val on stage, i dun feel happy, or sad. When i saw the videos of her taking shots, posing w/ m6, and wearing very short shorts, i didn't feel jealous, angry, scared or sad. (A very diff feeling fr when i saw her w/ leon last time) When she was holding hands w/ m6 on stage, i wasn't even surprised or shocked or jealous. In fact, it took me some time b4 i realised that they were holding hands while walking upfront to pose etc. Most of the time, i was emotionless..but others like junhao tot i was serious. Was i? I wasn't even trying to be serious. I felt quite relaxed actually. Even weicheng reminded me that sth was wrong w/ me when the auntie waitress gave me more fried rice after seeing me skip lotsa meals b4 tt. Was it coz i was unrelated to the event directly? So i was nonchalent? Was it coz i drank too much orange juice so i cldn't eat anymore? Why didn't i dun even feel anything after val won and was crowned the pageant queen? I knew i was in a state of unnatural calmness and tranquility. I only got to talk to val after the whole pageant contest ended and while i took pics wif her. I gave her the 'juicy' necklace as well. I still have the urge to see her while on the way to the pageant, but when i finally saw her..i only felt relieved. I was quite sure i dun feel weird (except that i felt weird in a place where there are so many ppl i dunno..not where i belong.) and i definitely do not feel scared. I left after returning the party world card and thou reluctant, i followed junhao outta carlton hotel after he kept pressing me to go. I dun feel lyk leaving..Maybe i'd like to see val's face for much longer, but it's more like i dunno wat to do and juz felt lyk sitting down and doing nothing. I saw how she was like a superstar, ppl yearned to take pics wif her after she was crowned science queen. I was observing the whole phenomenon. U can say that maybe i dun feel surprised that she won the pageant, but the crowd around her..i was a little overwhelmed. They were like bees and butterflies surrounding a most beautiful flower they've ever seen in their lives. Wanting to grab part of the hype and glamour surrounding val. Junhao had even commented that she shld had a try in showbiz, coz she's made for it--the bubbly personality and her interactive nature. She really looked lyk a..star. We juz did our part..sms voting..supporting her at the back, but in the end, the success was shared wif others. How could i not feel joyous/happy/angered/sad at that point of time? How could i not have a single feeling that she won? That my very good fren/crush had won. I was flabbergasted at my own feeling..towards her. The feeling of 'void of emotions'.

On the way home, it was about the same. Void of emotions. I felt nothing. Like juz another day has passed. Maybe i do feel relieved..ot jue2 wu4. I was terrified of my lack of emotions towards this whole event. Upon reaching my blk, i called jean. I dunno why, but i noe chai muz be busy wif her post pageant stuff, so i cldn't call her. I dunno why i called jean, but i knew i like to talk to someone abt wat i'm feeling now..after the whole event. I told her i dun even feel strongly(or weakly) abt wat juz happened. And her reaction was "Oh..no...you are treating her as a FRIEND only now..How come..why dun u feel anything.." And it struck me. She was trying to tell me i had no feelings for hc anymore. Someone whom i was deeply in love wif. someone that i used to care abt. Someone i used to worry. Someone who used to support me at my lowest moments and vice versa. Someone that i was once very close wif. Someone that now i cldn't even speak more than 3 min on the phone wif, when it cld easily be 3 hrs in the past. Someone that i may not be even seeing again, if not for the pageant. Someone that is val.

After that, i cldn't slp. I stayed up to watch anime, full metal alchemist and another show b4 it. The former shows how a gal drank till she was drunk when she heard another gal, a gd fren of the guy that she liked, making up stories of the guy and herself doing ridiculous stuff in the past. And how the guy tries to rubbish her talk, and how he carried the drunk gal back on bed, and how she 'trusts' him. (that is nth dirty, mind you). Full metal alchemist, one of the scenes show a little gal, who was the daughter of a teacher of alchemist, after playing wif ed and al and her pet dog, say 'i hope both of u will never leave me'. I started to break down..deep deep in my heart. Even though my facial appearance, and in fact my mind was still as calm. I gave her a call after the anime ended, enquiring abt her post-pageant feelings, as well as the gift. She hadn't checked it out yet, but i told her how emotionless i was during the pageant. I guess she didn't feel anything much abt wat i told her, coz she hung off the phone soon after, as she was used to doing it after i got into guards.

Maybe..she was emotionless 2wards me as well.

Maybe..that's why i became emotionless. Coz, may u bliff it, emotions spread, so does emotionless.