This post is specially dedicated to u, val.

If u have been browsing thru my previous entries b4..u shld be able to noe wat i've been thinkin thruout the 2 and a half yrs since i noe u.

Every little thing that i have done wif u b4..i'd like to blog it..for fear that i may 4get all the good stuff we've been thru 2gether.

Even my password is a combi of my name and urs..so i won't be surprised if u can manage to log in my email, blog or friendster wif ease. (maybe someone helped u? I dunno) If u did, u shld be able to find out i have an alternative blog..toxicray (it's named after my sis frienster's acc.) That blog basically keeps track of my feelings thruout..in the form of songs. The songs that i've (once) posted in my friendster acc oso shows how i feel at that point of time.

Maybe it was a mistake to send u those smses b4 i went into guards...abt how i feel 2wards u. I guess..it wasn't really true..but i rmb u sae u juz treat me as a fren..last nov..b4 a-levels..after i visited ur hse. So even if i were to have genuine feelings..they were suppressed coz of wat u have said. It made me think b4 i act rashly. That's why i try very hard to treat u as a fren..with a certain degree of success, esp wif u trying to maintain the friendship. But, since i've sent those smses..i cldn't take back. I could only say for the time being..i really dun feel secure if i were to develop any further feelings to u.

As u noe, i will have to serve till feb 2009 in ns b4..and during this time, u will have to go uni. When u told me abt those suave guys u meet in uni, as well as those ppl who u truly consider as possible companions..i feel that u r drifting further and further away from me. I feel that during these 2 yrs..u will get to noe more ppl..and u'll gradually lose contact wif me. That's why i fear we may even lose this special "friendship". I oso fear that u will despise me as a guardsmen..coz u kept telling me to go ocs. (i noe u weren't that kind of person..but still..i am unable to convince myself).

After several incidents in the past, the quarrels and patch-ups during pw period, the "caleb" incident, the "leon" incident and the "daniel" incident, i have seriously thought of whether i shld stop being frenz wif u. For most of the guys, it's a torture to be friends wif the gals they once liked (this is very different fr galfrenz, when it means the guy and gal were once a couple), that's why most guys will cut off contact wif the gals they have once liked/loved. It's not that they are being cruel, but juz that they are trying to 4get the failed chase..or more like they dun wanna rmb the sad incidents.

However, i am still ur fren, coz i always rmb wat u sae.."I dun wanna lose a good friend like u." Are u going to go against wat u say..and decide to cut off contact wif me? Are u going to against ur very own principal..and not befriend me anymore? Am i a very lousy "fren"? Are u going to do to me..what i have once felt like doing to u b4?

"Do as would be done by". My upper sec eng teacher Mrs Brenda Law once taught us this quote..to tell us that we shldn't do something to other ppl, if we hope they will not do this to us. That's why i really value this frenship after so many incidents.

If u have read my blog, u will oso notice the names of a few gals. They are all my friends. Yes, just friends..but none as close to me as u were. Lemme introduce formally to u here again.

Jean- by now u shld noe hu she is. She's my sembawang pri fren and she's the next gal i have more contact with other than u, but not as much as u. U have her as ur friendster fren, so there's nth much i nd to sae, esp when she already has a bf now. She was once a gal i liked back in sch, thou now my feelings for her are definitely over, coz i treat her as a fren. Juz noe that she has helped me several times in how to chase u. (thou i dunno if that is a reason she added u on friendster?) I think she helped me coz she oso hope i can get a gf, esp since we were once very gd frenz back in pri sch.

Jilyn-u probably dun realli noe her. She's a gal i liked in upper sec. In fact, she was the 1st gal i met that told me outright that she liked me..and this may be possibly due to a dance trip to korea in 2002, when we were in the same grp. But i did not accept her. Not coz i dun lyk her then..but i was too shocked. Coz i nv has such an experience b4. She's oso my dance partner in syf dance 2003. But i think after that, she didn't really keep in contact wif me or said she liked me anymore. Althou i still treat her as a fren, we rarely keep contact after sec sch. Maybe she's doing wat i did as well..to 4get.

JingYi-a gal i possibly (secretly?) liked in lower sec. In my class. Heard ppl say that she liked me b4 at that tym. But being a passive guy, i nv did anything. Still frenz, thou seldom contact, unless there is class gathering at my lower sec co-form teacher Ms Wan during cny. (i think the last tym is in 2006, organised by me)

Hazelina-u might have known her, coz she is fr nj. But i did not like her in nj. She was in my p3/p4 class in peixin pri. I dun tink i lyk her..but at that tym, many guys in my class lyk her..so i tink maybe it's only infatuation. In fact, i nv really come close to contact b4 wif her. So i dun really noe much abt her. Juz frenz.

Peilin, Melanie, Dawn, Meixian, Huijing, Angela and all other gals in 05S20-if u have heard fr them b4, u shld noe that thruout jc..i only like 1 gal. And that is u. Some of them cld have tried to help (or hai) me during the 2 yrs in jc in chasing u..but i tink most of them talk too much that it always ends up that they try to jeopardise our frenship. Yes, u may hear some rumors abt me and who else in the class but it's juz rubbish. I treat them all as frenz, but no feelings.

Rachel-a vjcian i noe thru work. She's a very nice gal who offered to give me a bdae treat (and paid for it). That's why i have to return her a treat on her bdae, if u read my frienster msg. U oso saw her pic in my hp b4. But i dun lyk her. And she has bf somemore. I probably become frenz wif her coz the 1st day i saw her at work, we were having a function at eM and i helped her alot in handling the customers so that she won't get scolded as a newbie.

Lei Lei-another p3/p4 classmate in peixin. She was gd frenz wif hazelina, and she was like my table buddy for 2 yrs? I always treat her as a fren. No feelings. But thinkin we've nv met for yrs, i had lunch wif her, as posted in my blog.

And there is u..

Valene-my jc classmate, dance mate, k-buddy..watever u may name. Thx for giving me a chance by trying to like me, and by being gd frenz wif me after u realized u dun hav feelings 2wards me. If not for wat u told me, i guess i wldn't still be frenz wif u now. I really feel lyk running away, escaping fr u to 4get u. But u gave me a new perspective: that u can still be friends wif someone u once (and still?) liked. My relationship wif u is very diff fr other gals. YOU were the 1st gal i felt very strongly for (thou the feeling wasn't very strong initially until when we were in the same pw grp). YOU were the very 1st gal i confessed that i liked..and then rejected me after i confessed 3 times (that was pain..ouch!) YOU were oso the closest female fren i have..being the 1st gal that i talked to on the phone late till to the nite (i nv had such experience b4!) YOU were the only gal (besides my mom and sis) that really cared for me genuinely when i'm sick/ feeling down and the gal that i cared for. I rmb the times when i share ur woes and happiness, and u, willing to share mine too. YOU were also the 1st gal that i liked that has the same surname as me! In fact, u r the only gal i noe that has the same surname as me! Maybe that's why i felt that u r a sis to me sometimes..thou clearly, how i feel 2wards u is very diff fr how i feel 2wards my sis (i used to hate her so much last time..aha). U were oso the 1st gal that made me feel jeolousy (very sour feeling) and anger (i nv knew i cld be that angry..other than there was once when i threatened to push my pri sch fren, kang wei loong, down the building). U were oso the only gal that has the most no. of common frenz wif me! (Some of my pri sch frenz, platoon mates and even one of my pc in bmt are same sec sch as u!)

You were oso the gal that i loved the most..out of the 3 i have liked b4 (the other 2 are jean and jilyn) In fact, u were the 1st gal that made me throw away my old prinicples (like how my gf shldn't be older than me, same surname as me and muz have a J in her initial! Pretty childish prinicples rite?) you are also the very 1st gal that i went out with..juz 2 persons. you are also the very 1st gal that i quarrel and patch up wif (other than my mom and sis). you are the 1st gal that noe alot of my secrets..and are willing to share wif me some of urs. (i've nv told a soul wat u have told me after our last quarrel) you are also the 1st gal that i give prezzies and write letters to. U are the FIRST gal that give me all MY FIRSTs. Thank you for giving such wonderful memories.

If u really decide to stop keeping in contact wif me, such as stop picking up my calls or not replying my sms..be it coz u already like someone else or is already wif someone else and u dun wanna complicate matters, or juz bcoz u feel lyk running away fr me coz u feel that i'm an incorrigible, unscrupulous, filthy, irritating pest, and u wanna part ways wif me.. so be it..as long as u feel comfortable doing it. Coz i believe among all the guys that u have relationship probs wif..i guess i'm the least of u problem. U probably have other more impt ones to tend to..(like the one that juz msg me at friendster's..was he the one that u told me is one of ur 2 possible choices a few wks back? I'm juz guessing..aha)

The last thing i wanna do is to create more troubles to u by telling u i still like u. Maybe that's wat i'm feeling when i send u those smses. I rather u live happily and healthily w/o me than live in woe befriending me. I respect ur decisions.

I probably won't change this blog's pw..so that u may still noe wat's happening to my life..if u ever felt interested b4. (Or maybe..i find no point changing something that i'm already used to). I oso won't bother u too much in the future..like sms-ing and calling u, or asking u out unnecessarily in the future. I dun wan more ppl to think i'm a pest. If u ever still feel lyk meeting up wif me, u can juz call or sms me, be assured i will not reject it. And oso..i will not ask u too many qns if we ever met up again. And i'll always rmb the last thing i promised u.."to be truthful".

Wish u good luck..one last time=')