Sometimes...i think i'm a bit paranoid...
Kept thinking too much about stuff that are fictitious..
Stuff that i should not be thinking of..
Stuff that are unlikely to happen..
Stuff that are sending me into depression..
Then sometimes..i think about stuff that might not have happened, but had happened because of a wrong step i took/didn't take...
If only i had took the initiative to..
If only i had not participated in..
If only i had not left earlier..
If only i had been more careful..
If only i had prevent it from happening..
If only i was there..
If only i had not been more impatient..
If only i did not allow them to meet each other..
If only i had grabbed my opportunity..
If only i had been more tactical..
If only i had been more perfect..
If only i had done something different..
If only i had..
If only i..
If only..
Yes! If only had i known all these stuff would happen! I could prevent all these..but i hadn't..and i didn't..so..It was all my fault...
So i felt like i've lost a battle...or maybe the whole war..
Felt like a lousy soldier whose comrades were all lying dead around me..
Felt like i would juz fall down alongside them and become one of the corpses..
Felt like i could no longer continue to go on..go on back to my own camp..
Felt like all the enemy soldiers are jeering at me..jeering at my defeated look on the face..
Felt like it was all a conspiracy..my comrades have purposely turned their sides and did not wanna help me..they wanted to see how i lose this war..
Felt like i was the only one alone..no one left to help me..
Felt like everyone was against me..and they do not want to see me succeed..see me win this war..
I told A and B (members of the BLAH) about the way i lost the 'war' a few mths back..and what they told me was..
"How have u exactly been defeated..?"
"U r assuming too early tt u r someone's b********!!"
"How had the offender become FJ?"
"U r the one who's FJ!!"
"U r thinking too much!!"
Yup..by then i realised what they say are true...
I'm not affiliated to anyone...or vice versa..
Why shld i think too much about it...?
Itz juz as if i was holding on to a valuable thing...which does not, and has never been belonged to me..
I thought it was mine..but it wasn't...juz tt i had assumed it was mine..
No...it wasn't..
Struck by this inevitable truth..
After reading this book [Your Dark Side].
I realised i've been wasting my time thinking about those "Stuff"...
It taught me stuff...
1.Not eveything is your fault. Life is a mixture of what we do, what others do and what happens by chance. If bad things happen to you, you are not a bad person. If bad things happen to other people, they are not bad people.
2.When you are depressed, you still have the power of choice. Do some very small things to make your life a little better - and keep on doing very small things - just one at a time will do. After a while, your life will be better.
3.'If only' is a waste of time and 'if only' people are very,very boring. Do not be boring.
4.You are not perfect, but you are OK.
5.We all make mistakes. Some people are clever people who learn from their mistakes. YOU are a person who learns from your mistakes.
Yes..i'm not going to think too much anymore..about those stuff..
'If only' is a negative response..
Rather than saying 'if only'..
why don't i take a deep breath when something goes wrong..
and say "Everything that happens to me is a learning experience."
i'm going to focus on the future and not the past..
and when something bad happened..
i'll stand in front of the bathroom mirror and tell myself..
"What can i learn that will help me in the future?"
Pretty silly ah? But i will..
Thx for my frens hu have listened attentively to me complaining abt the 'situation' of my 2 best frens..aha..
Come to think of it..itz quite rubbish..
Even if it does turn out to be true..
i'll not react the same way i did last time..
i shld keep reading tt book..[your dark side]..
to understand more about my conscious self..as well as my uncounscious self..
aha..
lol
&its not what you think
2:30 am
